To make it easier for you guys, I’m splitting up the recap into two sections: commentary and scoring. This way if you only want to read one it’ll be easier for you to navigate.
Wow, I’ve been in tech for the last few days and it’s been obviously exhausting, but this episode gave me lyfe.
The one thing I truly admire about the producers of this show is their ability to make you so angry at one person and when you fully believe that that person’s story arc has hit its climax and they are about to leave the show, they are given one more episode. Krystal got a rose.
Tia’s date was v cute once they got out of the swamp. Two notes on Tia saying “They call me Doctor Tia Rachel Booth!” 1) She’s a doctor and that’s awesome. I’ve spent too much time sleeping on Tia just like I did last season with her Southern counterpart Raven, so the doctor thing has officially caught my attention. 2) Her last name is Booth. Do you know who else’s last name is Booth? John Wilkes Booth. The South is a scary place. Also her saying that her type is “guys that I can fix” is so sad. Of all of the terrible gendered relationship norms that our society imposes on people, that is among my least favorite. It should not be the woman’s job to turn an asshole into a decent human being. Tia deserves better. Tia deserves Arie? Tia deserves to be the Bachelorette?
Woah, okay, quick side case for Tia as the Bachelorette. Raven was the runner-up last season. She was far behind the eventual winner and her competition that season was much lighter than this season (Corrine came in FOURTH and Rachel was too good for Nick anyway). But Tia is a smarter, more objectively attractive version of Raven. The only drawback that I can see so far is that she hasn’t shown the personality that Raven has shown.
Kendall deserves better than Arie. I’ve decided. That question book that she brought to the cocktail party looks amazing and that question was so brilliant—even the phrasing is well thought-out. Of course you answer yes to that question! Arie needs to not wimp out and eat that human meat! Booo, Arie.
Jacqueline got one minute of airtime with Arie this week, which I think may be a record. The editors may be sleeping on Jacqueline, but I’m not!
Now let’s get to scoring. (As per usual, I won’t be counting changes that have been made to brackets since this episode aired). We’ve all been given the gift of an extra contestant this week, too, so scoring didn’t change a whole lot.
In the real scores race, as Kristina texted on Monday night, Jenny is in first with 149, followed closely by me at 146, then Justice in third at 138, Alicia with 136, Kristina with 130, and, bringing up the end of the pack yet again is our favorite Danica with 116.
The only difference between Jenny’s and my score is one Third Rose Ceremony rose. Darn you Bibiana!
Jenny Kaplan dropped the Maquel pick this week, which was a tough loss when she would otherwise have been perfect. Lauren S. is her only liability going forward, but given it is her winning pick, it’s a large liability. Then again, if Jenny is right about every other pick, she could theoretically fill out a perfect bracket with one change a week from here on out. She has 110 out of 191 potential points remaining (PPR).
This week I hedged my bet on Kendall a week ahead, giving me a slightly better potential score than I would have otherwise gotten. But my change was originally to put Chelsea in the Top 9, which would have given me a perfect bracket for this week. Alas, I’ll take my 146 PPR.
Justice is in great shape right now. The Ashley pick was ambitious, but her bracket is spotless other than that. She just has to now hope she can catch up with Jenny Kaplan. Justice is relaxing with 185 out of a possible 191 PPR.
Alicia is also working around her Lauren S. pick to go to the Final 3. She made a really risky bet this week by advancing Krystal into the Top 9 in place of Lauren S. and it paid off as we just saw. She has 160 PPR.
For the past four weeks, Kristina has been trying to hold together a leaky ship. She had to eat her Annaliese pick this week and unsuccessfully chose to keep Maquel in the running. Thankfully her Jacqueline-for-Jenny switch was successful. Even more fortunately, though, she is totally clear from here on out, save for the Maquel pick in the Top 6. Kristina has 185 PPR.
Lastly, of course, is our good friend Danica. Now that she has officially lost Maquel, her bracket is officially in ruins. She has a mere 103 PPR, the lowest in the league. BUT.
Remarkably, through all the insanity that is Danica’s bracket, she hereby receives Week 5’s Sleeper Pick of the Week Award. She is the only one who had Jenna in Week 5. Two brackets didn’t even have Jenna getting a rose in the Second Rose Ceremony and only one other bracket had her going to the Top 12. Danica saw the light though and was able to correctly choose Jenna to make it to the Top 10.
We have made it to the Top 10, which means next week will be a slaughter. 40% of the women will likely be cut. That will be the biggest cut until the final week when 50% of the women are cut (1/2 obviously).
Also God bless ABC for having the Rose Ceremonies every week. I really wouldn’t be able to do these stats without that.
The last thing I’m going to say is just to requote Krystal: “I’m done. Done. That was glitter. Glitter.”