Ah, here we are friends. We’ve reached the Fantasy Suite. The episode where ABC’s editors begin the date with the women putting on make-up and end the date with the women being interviewed in the absence of make-up to show that their relationships with the Bachelor have reached a climactic vulnerability and, despite shedding all of their physical and emotional layers, they are more in love than they have ever been before.
We find ourselves in Peru with Arie and Kendall on a dune buggying date and hear Arie so eloquently muse, “Dune buggying is like a relationship.”
Kendall’s #EmotionalIntelligence was out in full force this week. While she put it more eloquently, she wanted to know if Arie was manic pixie dream girling her. All of the things that Arie has said about Kendall in interviews indicate that that is exactly what he is doing, but he said no, of course not, even though she had basically hit the nail on the head of their relationship. An encapsulation of their conservation was:
Kendall: I don’t want to be manic pixie dream girled here.
Arie: I couldn’t possibly do that to you because I have no idea what that means.
But anyway, huge props to Kendall for wearing that awesome red pantsuit on their date.
Moving on to Lauren B. who is somehow the only Lauren to survive the Culling of the Laurens that occurred during the first three weeks of the show. Who in the ABC production room could have possibly thought that going to see large-scale geoglyphs would be a stimulating date for Arie and Lauren B.? They are two of the most boring, uncultured people on this show and you want the two of them to entertain audiences by looking at large-scale geoglyphs? They couldn’t make walking through historic Paris romantic, they couldn’t make bicycling through the Italian countryside romantic, what could they make romantic? Obviously not looking at large scale Peruvian geoglyphs. It seems like the producers have given up.
Alicia Moeller, current third place bracketeer, had a lot to say about Lauren B.’s performance on The Bachelor this week, so I invited her to write a segment for the recap that she is calling Lauren B. Doesn’t Understand How The Bachelor Works:
Lauren B., in a shocking turn of events, doesn’t like that Arie is dating two other women.
*flash to Bekah K. calling Arie her Boyfriend and everyone cringing*
The last Lauren standing told Arie that she wants to be the only lady in his life. And on one hand I’m like, girl that’s fair. But on the other I’m like, girl you’re on The Bachelor.
Wait, how did Arie respond to this awkward sitch again? Oh that’s right! He didn’t. All Lauren B. got was a vague “You’re here for a reason” and a bunch of solo interviews where he complained about her bringing it up so much. But he was wearing those infamous blue shorts and looking at her lips when he addressed it so points for.... I got nothing.
My suggestion for Lauren B. six months ago: don’t go on The Bachelor if you’re in search of monogamous dating. Try Bumble? Ah no, nevermind. Even there, the Arie look alike that you swiped right on is probably already cozy with the Becca K. of Virginia Beach, VA. Sad.
Back to you, Doug.
Thanks, Alicia. This perfectly leads us to the climactic moment of Arie and Lauren B.’s date when HE TOLD HER THAT HE WAS IN LOVE WITH HER WHAT ARE YOU KIDDING ME YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO DO THAT SIR. Now at first I thought that he said it by accident. It just slips out sometimes, I get it, we’ve all been there. I professed my love to a friend the other day when ending a phone call without realizing it. But alas, this was no accident because he said, “It feels so good to say that” and he said it aGAIN AND THEN AgAIN AND AGaIN AND AGAiN AND SO ON BECAUSE I GUESS HE IS IN LOVE WITH LAUREN B.???????
I do now think I understand what he is feeling though. He keeps saying that the love he is feeling for Lauren B. is a love that he hasn’t felt in a long time. The feeling that is accompanying that certain type of love is the feeling of being needed. It’s something Bekah M. pointed out like seven weeks ago on Bibiana’s stargazing bed. The feeling of being needed is so deep-seated and so intoxicating and he is utterly unable to resist it. He helps Lauren feel loved when she feels insecure and, by making her feel loved, he feels needed. So that is my best guess as to why he is so in love with her.
Can you imagine being Becca K. watching this episode?
Speaking of Becca K., the transition from Lauren B. to Becca K. felt oddly nauseating. It almost felt like he cheated, and he did cheat the “rules” of the “universe” we’re watching, and also he is cheating because he’s seriously dating three different women at once, but anyway. How does he just pick up and move on after that date? Becca K. is a better person and is the one who should win this season, but Arie is lowering his own status by breaking the rules. The Bachelor(ette) can’t lower their own status or else it ruins the conceit of the show. I am displeased.
To the date! They took a catamaran out for a spin. Arie and Becca Titaniced on the front of the boat, making Becca the second woman Arie has Titaniced this season following Chelsea. In one of the interviews, he called her ‘Rebecca’ instead of ‘Becca,’ which, despite the reversal in formality, shows an actual developed intimacy that we so rarely see on this show. Now I know I reiterate this every week, but the two of them are so good together. They’re just a normal couple! That’s what we’re supposed to be going for!
Oh and now WHAT HE ALSO TOLD BECCA K. HE WAS IN LOVE WITH HER. ARIE EXCUSE ME HI WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I apologize in advance, but I have a sports analogy for this. They tell umpires and referees that if you get a call wrong, don’t try to correct it on a future call; don’t make another bad call to try to even it out. Just move on. Arie made a bad call on the Lauren date and then he tried to correct it with another bad call on the Becca date. Jo Jo admitted to the producers that she fell in love with more than one person on the show, but she didn’t actually tell the men because she’s not an asshole.
IT WAS BECCA’S EX OF COURSE. Becca deserves huge credit for the way she handled that INSANE situation. He tried to walk into her room like he walked into Arie’s room and she wouldn’t let him. Way to stand your goddam ground, girl.
Ross is an asshole. He is the epitome of toxic masculinity in American men. “These flowers are yours,” he says as he drops them on the ground. What, sir? And then he wouldn’t even let her talk. To see him be embarrassed like that on national television was a miraculous sight.
We have finally reached the Rose Ceremony. Arie clearly learned from Tia’s exit that it is better to not break up with someone at the rose ceremony. And Kendall knew it was going to happen, that incredible woman. She took that shit in stride.
In the post-break-up interview, Kendall talked about timing being a huge factor in the relationship failing and that is more of an indictment of the producers going after their need for a quick fix of easy comedy than an indictment of Arie. The producers really screwed this up and they clearly don’t know what to do about it. Now they’re stuck with Lauren B. in the final two.
Oh well darn tootin’ would you all take a gander. Who’s that in first place? Doug? No! I though Jenny had this whole thing sewn up? She wasn’t looking far enough ahead you say? And she threw her win away on a dumb move in Week 2? How could this have happened? Doug hedged his bets and looked just far enough ahead each week to set himself up for victory AND picked the future winner in the very beginning? Wow, what a true American hero.
There is only one pick left to make and it’s worth 30 points. Doug (272), Jenny (265), and Alicia (256) are all still technically in the running for first place. Alicia successfully picked both of the final two and solidified her place in the Top 3. Justice (223) and Kristina (209), both out of range for the bronze, will duel for fourth.
While the actual scoring system for the brackets is (rightfully) weighted to favor later picks, it’s worth examining the total success rate of picks made by each of our bracketeers. There were 70 total picks to make between Week 2 and Week 10. Get rid of the FINAL ROSE, which hasn’t been revealed yet and there are 69 picks. But, in the beginning of the season, we are essentially given free points as long as we fill out our bracket. For example, in Week 2 we need to fill out 18 slots even though there are only 21 names to choose from, therefore we can only get a maximum of 3 wrong and we are handed 15 free picks. This continues for 9 free picks in Week 3 and 3 free picks in Week 4 for a total of 27 free picks on the season. That brings the actual total of picks we could possibly get wrong from 69 down to 42.
So each bracketeer has 42 picks that they can get wrong. How did we all do? (All numbers reflect brackets post-weekly changes.)
The data points in the middle are the quantities we picked incorrectly each week. The average is our correct picks divided by 69 and the Avg.+ (or weighted average) is our correct picks divided by 42. The number of Tops indicates how many weeks we led the league in fewest incorrect picks; this is also indicated by the green highlights (but I don’t know if the green will show up over email).
Jenny did the best this season making only 10 mistakes followed closely by Doug’s 11. Next is Alicia’s 15, then Justice’s 18, and Kristina’s 20. Coming in last, with 27 incorrect picks and a weighted average of 36%, the only bracketeer to pick below 50%, a bracketeer so awful that I literally had to make two lines in the above chart so that her picks wouldn’t throw off the averages of the rest of the league’s brackets, is Danica Martino.