The Bachelorette 14.5: The Best Bachelorette

We are HALFWAY through the season already. Poor yourself some rosé to celebrate, or maybe some vodka to get rid of all the stress Chris caused you this episode. You deserve it.

Commentary

Becca may be one of the best Bachelor(ette)s we’ve ever had and there are three reasons why I believe that.

The first is because of this Instagram post of her wearing a shirt with the likeness of our former vice president that says “Biden my time,” accompanied by the hashtags #haveyouseenhimeatanicecreamconetho and #bidenisbae. It speaks for itself.

The second reason is that she is easy to read. We know exactly what she is thinking when we look at her. Every other principal this show has seen is just a plastic, emotionless, shell of an attractive human. Becca is sharing her soul each time she raises an eyebrow or lifts the corners of her mouth or tilts her head back to see the sky. It has become effortless to root for her.

The third reason is that she does not tolerate bullshit. If you don’t give it to her straight, she will know, she will let you know she knows, and she will hold it against you.

Colton’s date just confirmed our assumptions. She really likes him and he’s a frontrunner.

Wayne Newton was a show. He criticized all of the guys’ lyrics but a) he didn’t even write the song he’s most famous for, Danke Schoen, and b) he was infatuated with the use of foreign languages, which proves he doesn’t give a shit about the lyrics anyway as long as it sounds pretty. Also, his wife, Kathleen, was literally not even born when he first recorded Danke Schoen in 1963.

Have you guys seen the Netflix show American Vandal? The only reason I bring it up is because there is a character in it that is notorious for confidently saying “hundred percent” every time he lies. The number of times Chris said “hundred percent” this episode was outrageous.

When Senator Ted Kennedy passed away in 2009, the state of Massachusetts held a special election to fill his seat. A Republican had not won a Massachusetts Senate race since 1978, so the Democratic nominee, Martha Coakley, was a clear shoe-in to win the seat. It was reported that she didn’t even take the time to go knock on doors, because she was so confident in her chances. And who wouldn’t be? Scott Brown, the Republican nominee, saw the hill he had to climb, so he busted his ass until January of 2010 in order to even have a shot. You want to know what happened? Scott Brown won the goddamn seat with 51% of the vote.

David was a shoe-in to win this two-on-one. He took his foot off the gas and tried to coast to victory. He made unforced errors. Jordan, on the other hand, laid it all out on the table. He was legitimately vulnerable, which is not something I thought he was capable of.

To circle back to an earlier point, Becca smelled the bullshit on David. Becca already knows Jordan is an idiot, so David didn’t need to make stuff up to get his point across. Honestly, Becca made the right choice to send David home right there. She will not reward people who don’t take her seriously.

She also knew that the best way to sink Jordan’s chances is by giving him time to talk. I think that was best captured by this snippet of their dinner conversation:

Jordan: What’s a weekend look like to you?

Becca: Um, I think it depends—

Jordan: Yeah, me too.

Goodbye, Jordan. In your own immortal words, “Cheers to you being a bitch.”

Wills gets full marks for how he handled the situation with Chris. He was respectful, he gave Chris time, and he stood his ground. Chris feels entitled and Becca wasn’t having it. Sure the producers made her keep him on for another week for drama, but we all know where her head is at.

Garrett standing up for Wills and explaining to Chris why he is in the wrong was very impressive. One would think that with that level of analytical thinking he would be less of a racist homophobe, but I guess he hasn’t gotten there yet.

The first five people to get roses this week (Colton, Blake, Garrett, Jason, and Wills) happen to also be the clear Top 5 in all of our brackets, which leads me to this week’s scoring!

Scoring

Kristina (168) is still in first followed by Bonnie (163) in second after both picked 8/9 correct. Justice (156) is still in third but dropped further behind due to going 7/9. Jenny (154) jumped up to being tied with Doug (154) in fourth after being the only other person besides Kristina and Bonnie to get 8/9 correct. Kelsey (149), who got 7/9, is sitting in sixth. Caitlyn (147) unfortunately missed all three of tonight’s losers dropping her down to seventh.

Danica, amazingly, did not have a single person who was kicked off tonight on her bracket this week. But she still dropped three because she had Clay, Ryan, and Nick, all kicked off in previous weeks, on her bracket. She has 138 points.

Of the eight brackets, no one had either John, Jordan, or David in their Top 6 except for Jenny. Jenny had David in the Top 6, making her the only other bracket besides Danica’s with fewer than 5/6 of their Top 6 contestants still in the running.

Bonnie McHeffey is an oracle. She has not made a single change to her bracket this entire season and yet she is still in second place. Not only that, but she still has a perfect Top 6 and has the best Highest Potential Score in the league at 359.