The Bachelorette 14.2 Recap: The First First Date

Hey 280 Bach Nation [rose emoji] [bumblebee emoji], I have news. I got a job. I started on Monday—BACH NIGHT. And I ended up staying at work late and missed the show. And I haven’t really had time to write the recap until now, so I’m going to keep it short and sweet. I’m also going to keep it short and sweet, because everyone is adding people to their brackets, so the numbers I come up with now won’t mean much by show time next Monday.

Commentary

            Everything is relative. The concept of relativity is one of the most fascinating things in this world. That’s only possible because of the adaptability of the human brain. Today’s lesson in everything-is-relativity? Connor is a meathead. When Connor first entered the mansion, I thought he was a suave, metro-style guy. I was wrong. He is a certified meathead. The only reason I didn’t initially see this was because there are so many meatheads this season. It feels like there are more than normal, but maybe that’s just because Becca is really into meatheads and therefore most of the frontrunners are meatheads. Relative to all of those meatheads, Connor might as well be a theatre major.

            Look, Lincoln is a fuck. After this week, it’s so outrageously obvious. But Becca’s not stupid. She can also see that. And she knows that she doesn’t need to make a fuss about Lincoln being a fuck, because she’s going to vote him off as soon as the producers allow her to. So I am sincerely trying to comprehend how Lincoln and his wedding photo can make you so angry that you take the picture and you chuck it out the window. It would be easy to call Connor a sore loser, but I really don’t want to dumb it down that much. I want to examine the mentality that you have to be in to take a person’s prized possession—while they’re watching you—and hurl it into the pool. What has brought this grown man to such an extravagant level of anger? I don’t think I will ever know.

            Blake got the first first date. On average, the first first date rose will typically buy you five additional roses. So, essentially, he has a 50-50 shot at reaching the Fantasy Suite.

            Blake was the perfect person to take to the demolition party. He’s ~fit~, but he doesn’t have as combative personality at all, so Becca could be as aggressive as she wanted without being upstaged by the man. Had she gone with one of the 73 football players on this season, then they would have just made the demolition about themselves and how strong they were, when it should be Becca’s demolition with the physical and emotional support of the man. Blake fit the bill exactly. And, again, he’s still semi-secretly ripped, so it’s not like she’s losing anything in that department.

            Leo is Mandy Patinkin in the Princess Bride. Prove me wrong.

            Becca’s reaction to Colton revealing his “past” with Tia didn’t satisfy me. First of all, this is the 21st century. If you’re not comfortable dating someone who had spent a fun weekend with one of your friends a few months ago, then you should kindly return to the 19th century. Second of all, weren’t Tia and Becca just dating the same person for two months? Yes they were. His name was Arie. He has since passed away from being hit in the head with a sledgehammer, but that’s unrelated. Get over yourself, Becca. Colton’s wifey material.

Scoring

            Justice and Kristina were perfect this week and walked away with 46 points. Bonnie, Danica, and Doug each dropped one, leaving them with 44. Caitlyn and Kelsey dropped two and finished with 42. Jenny didn’t drop any, which should put her at 37, but since we gave her five free points for being in Israel, she climbed all the way up to 42 to tie for sixth.