The Bachelorette 14.7: Whittling The Top Five

This season’s Top 5 may have been the easiest Top 5 to pick of all time. Blake, Colton, Garret, Jason, and Wills were all clear front-runners from the very first episode. In fact, seven of the eight brackets chose exlusively from that group of five to fill out their Top 4 at the very beginning of the season. The only bracket that didn’t was, obviously, Danica’s, but even she still managed to pick three of them for her Top 4.

But now that there are fewer than five contestants left, the turmoil begins. I went ahead and broke down how many times each of these guys made it into the Final Four of our brackets. Blake picked up the rear by only being in the Top 4 on four brackets. Next was Jason who made five. Tied for second were Garrett and Wills who both made seven, and in first was Colton who made it to hometowns in every one of our eight brackets.

There was a different temperature amongst the bracketeers going into this week, though. Using their one-change-per-week, two people swapped Wills out and Blake in, one person swapped Colton out and Blake in, and one person swapped Jason out and Wills in. After the tinkering, Blake, Garrett, and Colton were all in seven Top 4s, Wills was in six, and Jason was down to just four. It is worth noting though that the only bracket that Garrett was left off of was Danica’s, so, for all intents and purposes, he was in all of our final fours.


Becca was not happy that Colton is a virgin and her Bach Nation approval rating took a hit because of it. So, as a committed defender of Becca as the Bachelorette I’m going to try to justify her reaction.

Becca Kufrin is a 21st Century woman working in the confines of a very conservative matchmaking structure. The modern institution of marriage is supposed to be rooted in love. Before it was about money or security or procreation, but now it is just love. And a vital part of love is intimacy. Not only does Becca believe that one has to meet lots of different people to understand what personality compliments their own, but one should have experience with intimacy in order to know if they can be intimate with a potential lifelong partner. All that to say, Becca wants Colton to be fuckin’!

But let’s take a look at another reason why Becca could be skeptical of Colton. Colton Underwood played quarterback for three different NFL teams between 2014 and 2016 and never played a single NFL snap. That has nothing to do with the point I’m going to make next, but I thought that it was some information you all ought to know. Colton dated Olympian gymnast Aly Raisman for a year following the 2016 Olympic games. That is, presumably, the long-term relationship he has repeatedly referred to. Colton also dated Tia from Arie’s season of The Bachelor after she appeared on the show.

How often does a relatively unknown person—I don’t know how many members of the Chargers’, Eagles’, or Raiders’ fanbases know who Colton Underwoos is—manage to date two national figures in two years? And then how does he do that and still not sleep with either of them? It is high time, ladies and gentlemen, to start scrutinizing Colton’s motives for coming on this show. I’ve never been a fan of the “here for the right reasons” trope, but I’m starting to legitimately think he’s not here for the right reasons.

Garrett, on the other hand, is playing this game masterfully. He is the only one of this group to never show a sign of weakness. He has remained historically level-headed through the process and it’s making me furious. This racist homophobe is stealing the heart of a woman who just changed her Twitter cover photo to Joe Biden in aviators driving a convertible. Becca deserves better and I, frankly, will not stand for it.

Blake has categorically solidified himself as the frontrunner this episode. We aren’t even at the hometowns yet and Becca has already admitted to the audience that she was in love with Blake. Even before this episode started, there was a significant move to coalesce behind Blake in our brackets. While he started the week in just four of our Top 4s, three of us swapped him in. With Colton being too shady and Garrett being a MAGA fuckboi, it’s really just between Blake and Jason, and after this week, Jason looks like he’s on the ropes.

The success of the beach volleyball game on the three-on-one date is a further testament to Becca’s quality as a Bachelorette. On Nick Viall’s season, Nick set up a beach volleyball game in Week 6 and he was nearly mutinied on the spot. Becca, on the other hand, not only inspires the men to be better, but has selected this specific group of great guys to make it this far.

After Leo left, as expected, the real showdown between Wills and Jason began. Fortunately for me (and my bracket), I became a Wills-skeptic a few weeks back. Here are the five different conversations I remember hearing Becca and Wills have at cocktail parties. 1) I love Harry Potter. Look at this tattoo. 2) I’m such a nerd. You are also is such a nerd. But I am also, also such a nerd. 3) Harry Potter is a very good series, I’m still here and I’m still a fan. 4) Are you a nerd? Because, I don’t know if you knew this, but I’m also a nerd, that’s very interesting about the two of us, nerds. 5) I’m falling in love with you.

Jason is also being faulted for having a late start. He had his first date with her last week. She then spent most of the night talking about how she didn’t feel it enough with him and that giving him a rose would be a risk. Fortunately for her, she had room to take that risk. Blake, Colton, and Garrett all had roses and were all safe choices for hometowns. Wills would have been another safe choice and since he didn’t have as strong of a connection with her as with the other three guys, he was sent to the chopping block. Jason is not as tested as Wills, but he has greater potential, so Jason got the rose.


Kristina (234 points) barely held onto first place despite having Wills in her final four. Doug (230) swapped Blake in and Wills out to put together his second perfect week in a row and jump into second place in the standings. Bonnie the Oracle (223), made a game-time decision to swap Jason out and Wills in, so she actually had chosen a perfect Final Four at the start of the season and she was the only one of us to do it. This only further proves that Apollo himself visited Bonnie as she made her bracket after Week 1 and any change she makes now will not be blessed. Justice (222), who also picked Wills, is now in fourth by just one point.

Jenny (213) was the only other person besides Doug to have a perfect week, which helped her climb back up to fifth where she is now tied with Caitlyn (213). Kelsey (204) is stuck in seventh after also dropping Wills.

Last and most certainly least is Danica who, radically picked Lincoln and  “Willis” to round out her Final Four AND Final Three. At just 176 points and a horrendously low forty potential points remaining, Danica is staking her claim as the worst bracketeer of the season for the second consecutive season. A historic feat indeed.