The Bachelorette 14.9: Fantasy Suites or I'M SAD

Blake and Garrett’s dates were both objectively boring, so I will be spending the majority of this recap talking about the only thing that matters this week: JASON.

Commentary

Let’s begin with the date that the producers set up for Jason and Becca. Their date was just the two of them walking through town like a normal couple on vacation. You know why? Because the producers trusted that they were two people who could really get along with each other in any scenario. Becca got three walking-through-town dates with Arie, because they didn’t have to force it; they were good together. So the producers trusted Becca and Jason—the two logical choices for each other—to have a lovely time hanging around town and then Becca got in her head.

Becca got in her head and that was it.

Of course, Becca wasn’t totally sure she saw a future with Jason, because their first date was TWO WEEKS AGO. Our sweet, sweet boy was fighting an uphill battle this whole season and it came to a head tonight.

As she sent him home, he repeatedly put up credible rebuttals to her arguments. She couldn’t clearly see a future with him, but, as he pointed out, she could potentially see a future with him. He didn’t go down without a fight, but he was ceaselessly respectful amidst the whole ordeal.

My argument two weeks ago about her Wills vs. Jason choice was that she had three safe choices and could afford to pick Jason. Well, this week both Garrett and Blake were “safe” choices (as safe as Garrett the fascist can be) and she could have—should have—taken a risk on Jason another week.

When Becca says, “I just did to Arie what Arie did to me,” we assume she is saying that she blindsided Jason like Arie blindsided her. She may even believe that that is what she meant when she said that. But Becca saying, “I just did to Arie what Arie did to me,” is a true on a deeper level that she doesn’t want to explore. Arie let Becca go in favor of Lauren B. with the full knowledge that Becca was the better human being. He let her go even though he knew that Becca would have been a better partner, a better wife, a better mother, a better supporter, a better challenger, a better companion than Lauren B. could ever be. Becca did to Jason what Arie did to Becca, because she let go a truly kind, smart, mature, funny, insightful, caring, and good man that she knows neither Garrett nor Blake can match. But the heart wants what the heart wants.

And the-heart-wants-what-the-heart-wants leads me to the grandest leap I have ever made in my two-season, nineteen-entry career of writing recaps for The Bachelor franchise.

The Bachelor franchise is evidence that it is the nature of intelligent life to destroy itself. The scientific hypothesis essentially says that when a civilization becomes advanced enough it will invariably cause its own demise. The likeliest ways intelligent life could end itself are war, accidental environment contamination or damage, resource depletion, climate change, or poorly designed artificial intelligence. The crux of the argument is that said life forms are never able to act on what is best for them, whether they know what is best for them or not. Becca knew that Jason was the best man there. Arie knew that Becca was the best woman there. Rachel knew that Peter was the best man there. Nick knew that Rachel was the best woman there. That is four seasons in a row where the principal actively diverted away from their best path. No human is perfect. No life form is perfect. It is the nature of intelligent life to destroy itself.

Jason deserved to win.

I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD. I’M SAD.

But Jason is going to be the next bachelor. I was resistant last week to endorse him for that title, because I felt he was too pure, but the producers convinced me. And then they sent him back with a scrapbook and they convinced me even more.

Watching the rest of this season will be like watching a car crash in slow motion. Becca is going to pick Garrett. He is so clearly her type it is painful. Blake still looks like he is in high school, and, frankly, with the way he talks about the guys he’s competing against, he seems like he’s still in high school. Garrett is going to win and they are both going to be unhappy when they realize they forgot to ask each other the most important question you ask someone you’re considering dating in the latter half of the 2010 decade: who did you vote for in 2016?

This is something Garrett liked in Instagram: 

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This is Becca’s Twitter cover photo:

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How on earth are they going to survive together?

But aye, there’s the rub. This may be ABC’s great Response to the political climate we have found ourselves in. This is the most polarized America has been in over a century. ABC would love nothing more than to show America that love is still greater than politics. Even in these troubling times, two people can overcome the most immense of differences to be together.

And you know what?

I think that’s horseshit.

Scoring

Kristina (319) swapped out Jason in favor of Blake and Garrett was her other choice, so she had a perfect week and remained in first. Bonnie the Oracle didn’t change anything and had a perfect week to hold second, 11 points behind Kristina. Caitlyn (298) also didn’t change anything and had a perfect week, launching her ahead of Doug and into third place. Jenny (283) swapped Blake in for Colton to have a perfect week as well, also passing Doug.

Doug (280), on the other hand, was the only person in the league to make a play for first place as he took a chance of Jason, while everyone else in the league was totally okay with letting Kristina win the bracket this season. His risk dragged him down to fifth place.

Justice’s (272) final two was Colton and Wills, so even though she swapped in Blake, she was already out of contention.

Kelsey, who was eliminated last week, swapped Jason in for Colton, which failed and kept her in seventh.

In last, Danica finally eclipsed 200 points by having Blake in the final two along with… Willis.

Kristina has eliminated all but two of her opponents as we approach the final week of the season. With one thirty-point pick remaining, Kristina is 11 points ahead of Bonnie and 21 points ahead of Caitlyn. All three of them chose Garrett to win the final rose at the beginning of the season, but they are, of course, awarded a change if they so choose to use it. As 8:00 EDT on August 6, 2018 draws near, we will see the flips and flops in choices and the mind games creep in as the final three attempt to leverage their picks against their opponents’.